My relationship was taking a beating and it was starting to affect not only me but our 3 boys were in the middle of a war between the two people they loved the most..
Resentment!!! It was the main killer, I was forever being triggered by the past and I found that it was controlling me.. I was so over being angry, frustrated and anxious all the time, when I fell pregnant with baby number 4 I was done, I was ready to walk away and just focus on my children and me… But I couldn’t, Id managed to walk out once before, but this time I just couldn’t.. I believed that this Baby was timed perfectly,there was a reason we were giving this precious gift… It was time to work past this and find that Love we both once had before and find that happy place again…
When you have children things do change, You are not only just a couple anymore You are a family… a family of 3 and then before you know it a family of 4,5,6 the balance seems to feel like it shifts dramatically , everything does a 360 degree spin and your hit in the face wondering wow what has happened to my life, I never use to be so frustrated and angry, take me back to my happy days – Well it did for me, I felt like I was alone a lot of time, I felt like I was the only one who had decided to do the growing up..
But at the same time I was also very lucky and didn’t focus on a lot of the good things. I had a very supportive and hands on partner he was a great daddy and to this day he still is, he’s amazing and I wouldn’t trade him for another daddy ever, he works hard for our family and he would do anything for us… The boys are very lucky to have such an amazing roll model…
The problem wasn’t him and how much he helped around the house or with the kids… He took some training in the housework department however lol, but no they were not the issues.. It was my expectations of what a partner, Lover, hubby should be like… but he wasn’t that person and I hated him for it.. I felt so unappreciated all the time, I couldn’t understand why I felt ignored when I done so much for him and went out of my way to show him how much I appreciated all he done?? I felt I never got the same back… Over the years I just stopped caring and trying to drop hints, I stopped doing the things I loved doing for him because I felt hurt and ignored.. I just did not care anymore and it wasn’t healthy.. My resentment towards him just grew and grew..
I am in no way saying I was the perfect partner, who deserved it all, I to played my part and I was also very hurtful towards him.. We became so obsessed with drinking, it was the only thing that we seemed to have in common, the only thing I found I could enjoy, how bad is that…. it was the only time we would find ourselves having fun together… There was rarely if ever romantic dinners for two, there was never a surprise anniversary gift, an Xmas gift, a planned family outing… nothing!! Just a lot of alcohol most nights of the weekdays and a shit load more on the weekends…. The boys never got our attention because it was more important to drown our problems by drinking…. I hated what we were doing yet we continued to do it and it went on for to long..
After our separation problems were recognized and we spoke about a lot before we decided we would get back together and we both worked really hard at helping each other and fixing our relationship, especially my partner – He had made massive changes and its not that I didn’t see those changes or acknowledge them, I held onto so much resentment because of the things he had done that I couldn’t help but use them against him and every time I did I was stabbing him slowly with a knife and he got sick of it and started to push me away further and further… He knew that he didn’t deserve to be treated that way, because he had acknowledged his past, made peace and he had moved forward and he knew he was a better person now.. He knew he was trying his hardest yet I was constantly kicking him where it hurt over the smallest of issues, But I couldn’t help it… I was cursed with resentment….
Resentment, its a horrible thing to hold on to…. Yet its one of the hardest things to let go of…
Things spiralled out of control again and the hate grew stronger on both sides… We were both so unhappy, even finding out I was pregnant you only imagine it being such a happy and exciting moment for both… It was far from it…
After years and months of hate and disagreement We could finally agree on something and we knew it was time to find help, we needed an outsider to step in and help us understand each others triggers and why we had gotten to where we were.. So we took on couple counselling.. We pretty much agreed that this was the last shot that if this didn’t help us nothing would and it was time to move on and we would do it in the right way….
Couple counselling was the best thing I believe we have done and we still after 3 months continue to go every week. We found through counselling that our views were a lot different to each others expectations of a relationship, we understood why we were doing the things we would do and the hurt that was created from that, the triggers that set us off. We understood that we both needed to try harder, we were a team, and we weren’t enemies… We would have never understood these things if we didn’t seek help.. We still continue to make sense of certain moment and open new doors through counselling now and I am so happy to say that we are in a better place now than we have been for a long time.
We still have our days, we are not in any way the perfect couple after counselling, we will continue to have our disagreements our silent treatment stand offs, I will kick his but out of the bed when he’s pissed me of, but maybe for not as long… I do still struggle with resentment but I have also learnt how to control it..
But I do know from counselling we now have a better understanding of each other and we now know each other’s triggers.. so we are a better couple because of it..
The past can be so haunting to and affect you in so many ways and this can happen from a very young age to, or when someone you loved hurt you so much that it destroys your trust and it can affect other relationships you have in the future or even minor issues can be a trigger.. But we cannot hold on to the past forever, or you will find it makes you miserable…
I have put together 5 steps that I found have helped me deal with resentment in my relationship..
1.Acknowledge that you cannot change the past..
This is easier said than done but its true, we cannot change the past, and you need to accept that.
2.Think before you speak… or don’t speak at all..
This way you have thought about what you need to say before you say something you will regret.. This has been hard for me because I never think before I speak and it has caught me out a lot..
3.Take time to talk
If you have had an overwhelming day or week we find that the easiest place to take our frustration out is at home, where our loved ones cop it… Find time to talk to your partner on a daily basis, turn of the TV, remove yourself from all social media and really focus on each other’s thoughts and feelings..
4.Physically connect daily.
This can be a kiss, hug and even sex.. I know that this can be hard if you’re feeling angry and pissed of at your partner and your not on the same emotional level, but its also the best medicine and helps a lot… Try doing it at least every day for a week… You never know what it may lead to…. 😉
5.Be Grateful and think Loving positive thoughts..
It’s the littlest thing we take for granted… Whenever you feel overwhelmed and angry take to pen and paper and write down the things you are grateful for and why you love your partner.. You will find if you focus your energy on the good things you will find it difficult to be resentful.
If you are in a similar situation I highly recommend Couple Counselling, you obviously both need to be willing to do so also.. Go into it open minded and remember why you are doing this, to fix your relationship, to find that happy place again.. I bet you too will find it was the best decision you made..
There are a lot of options and great places out there for Couple Counselling and I would love to recommend Relationships Australia they do charge by the hour based on what you earn yearly, but every cent spent is worth it in the end..
Thanks for reading…