Relationships are built on trust. In our case we had known each other for almost 10 years before we became a couple. We both admired each other from the first day we met. We already had a respectful, trusting friendship so it made things easy for us.
Some would say we rushed in. But we both knew what we wanted and we would never change how we have done things.
But if someone had told me that our relationship was going to be broken and bent after our first baby, I would have responded with
“Huh, no way”.
Our relationship was challenged once we welcomed our first child. The days of buying cheap bottles of passion pop after work and driving to our favourite spot on the hill to smoke a joint, giggle away at nothing and have in depth conversations about life stopped.
The all night wild sex, the spontaneous car rides to random locations, the all nighters and the date nights became something of the past and turned into.
Morning quickies, car trips to help the baby sleep, all nighters weren’t alcohol induced, instead staying awake all night with a crying baby and
Ummm, what is a date night again?
We could feel our relationship was breaking in half. We had forgotten how to talk to one another.
I’ve spoken to a lot of my mummy friends about their relationships after kids and I think we all fall into this trap.
He goes to work, we stay home, they come home, their exhausted and were exhausted and so it begins.
This battle of whose had the hardest day?!?!
Even though we know its not a competition we can’t help it. For some stupid reason we are programmed that way.
I was very lucky. I had a very hands on partner who was up at night with me, helped with the homely chores, changed the shity nappies and still adored me even if I had a months worth of hair on my legs and a fiery attitude.
He never gave up on trying to make me laugh and make me feel special.
I was blinded; I couldn’t see what I was really doing to him or myself.
It wasn’t the intimacy in our relationship that was lacking. That was the easy part. If we wanted it we made it happen.
But the communication between us was broken. We didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore. Or maybe we just didn’t have the time or want to find the time. And if we tried it would end in an argument.
As time went by and then welcoming our twins, 17 months after our first born. We became more broken.
The more I pushed him away, the further away he went.
There were a lot of reasons why I pushed him away.
My insecurities got the better of me.
I felt like it was time He grew up.
I expected more than he was giving.
And I became resentful towards him.
Would I have felt this way if we hadn’t had kids?
Probably not. Who knows.
I became very insecure about my appearance after kids. I think a lot of us woman do and that’s ok. It wasn’t just him and I anymore. It was he, 3 boys and I. It was time to grow up and take responsibility. I constantly felt like I was doing more than I had to and felt under appreciated, which made me resent him.
As you read this its obvious the problems didn’t lie completely with him. The real problems started with me. It was hard for me to see it, but when I did it all made sense. (He wasn’t perfect either tho) – I know he will read this and needed him to know that 🙂
It is so easy to blame someone else when we are feeling down and bitter within ourselves. The person closest to us is usually our punching bag. In the moment we also spout things we do not mean as a way to get back.
Throw in those crazy hormones, lack of sleep, crying babies and the endless housework. Lack of diet and exercise and it’s a recipe for disaster.
Having a baby challenges even the strongest of relationships. A lot of things change; we make sacrifices and its normal to feel some resentment towards our partners.
I know you may not want to hear it. But it’s true. Some issues may lie within yourselves when your relationship is struggling.
The best thing to do is communicate with one another. Be honest about how you are feeling. Spill it all out even if you may sound like a crazy woman. Tell him if your feeling under appreciated, tell him if you are struggling, Tell him if he’s being a dickhead and don’t stop there. Its better to let it all out then bottle it all up.
Relationships require work every day.
We our now a family of 6, 3 boys and a little lady. The years have been challenging but also very rewarding. Our relationship is stronger because of what we have been through. As the years go by we will continue to be faced with hurdles. But I know nothing will break us.
Thanks for reading 🙂
Love Chloe Ann